A Few More Things You Should Never Do in Youth Ministry

Here are a few more examples of things you should never do in youth ministry. For the record, I have never done any of these things.

1) Don't call attention to your slip-ups.

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2) Don't ride your motorcycle in the sanctuary.

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3) Don't dare the 6th grader to do a cannonball when being baptized.

If Jesus Had a Youth Group

I saw this on another page and found it a little too real to life. As a teacher, this is my life every day.

What would it be like if Jesus had a been a youth pastor? Let's take a look:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek;
Blessed are they that mourn;
Blessed are the merciful;
Blessed are they that thirst for justice;
Blessed are you when persecuted;
Blessed are you when you suffer;
Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven."
Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And Andrew said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And James said, "Will we have a test on this?"
And Philip said, "I don't have any paper."
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Matthew said, "Can I go to the bathroom?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"
And Jesus wept.

Who I Am - Most Influential Films in My Life

To almost anyone who will listen, I like to say that my personality was shaped most by 80s movies and 90s alternative rock. Being born in 1979, I grew up in the 1990s, but I remember watching the films of the 1980s the most. I have the most fond memories of summers watching classic films. Below is a list of the films that I believe have influenced my personality the most.

	The Goonies is one of the greatest films ever made, especially to anyone who would be a part of the Gen X (can we still use that term?) age bracket. There are so many quotable lines and memorable scenes in this film. It is an instant community builder. Start quoting a line from the film and instantly everyone in the room who has seen the movie will start laughing and having a good time.
Gremlins is probably one of the funniest movies ever. It is my understanding that Gremlins was the reason the PG-13 rating came to be. It was rated PG, but after parents took their children to see and the nightmares began, the stronger rating was adopted. I remember watching this in the theater and being terrified to go upstairs at my house. To this day, I still get chills at Christmas time whenever that song is played. You know what song I'm talking about. The choir sang it this year at church and it was all I could do to keep from running out of the auditorium. The sequel is pretty funny as well.
	While I never skipped school, this movie certainly made me want to. I promise it doesn't get any cooler than Ferris Bueller. So many good lines and classic moments. I drop quotes from this movie all the time. And Abe Frohman has to be the greatest alias ever, surpassing Art Vandelay and even Chuck Finlay.
I'm pretty sure The Karate Kid led to more actual fights in my house than any other movie. My brothers and I would watch this film and then hold our own karate tournaments. It was supposed to be pretend, but someone would also hit or kick the other too hard and even though there is no pain in this dojo, as soon as the crying stopped, the gloves would come off. It tears me apart that they made a remake of this film. Blasphemy and sacrilege.

I got to watch a lot of movies and television when I was growing up. The joys of being a latch-key kid. As a result, my sermons and teaching is often peppered with illustrations and subtle references to these and other films from my childhood. I feel bad for kids who don't have great movies to grow up on.

Just For Fun - My Favorite Albums

The other day, I saw something on Facebook about my favorite album, as in what album do I listen to the most. I couldn't decide on just one, so I have decided to give you a list of the five albums that I have listened to the most. They are in no particular order.

	Dookie by Green Day was essentially my introduction to pop-punk music. I played this album over and over. I had a copy of an MxPx cd, but couldn't get into the music. Green Day solved that problem.
My mom got me this album for Christmas in 1995. Jesus Freak by dc Talk blew my mind. I had no idea that Christians could make music like this. Even today, it still holds up as one of the greatest and most influential albums in Christian music. At least in my opinion.
	Dashboard Confessional is usually equated with whiny emo kids. However, I had this album my senior year of college. I was 900 miles from my girlfriend and I was really missing her. The college I went to did not allow rock music, so I kept this gem hidden under my front seat and would listen to it as I drove around Pensacola.
MxPx is quite possibly my favorite band. I have all of their albums and know the lyrics to nearly all of their songs. I've seen them in concert numerous times and I even had the privilege to talk with Mike and Yuri at the Warped Tour one year. While Life in General wasn't my first MxPx album, it is by far the best and my favorite. The rest are pretty darn good as well.
	Sumo Surprise by Ghoti Hook was another monster album for me. It had the right amount of humor and serious songs, plus the four-chord punk formula that I loved. Ghoti Hook was also one of the first punk shows I ever went to. It was at a Fuddrucker's in Tysons. I also had the privilege of seeing Ghoti Hook play their last show on their last tour, before their farewell at Cornerstone.

What are some of your favorite albums?

Just For Fun - Top Ten Reasons I Procrastinate

Top Ten Reasons I Procrastinate

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Always Wear Pants When Playing the Role of Jesus in the Church Play

Just For Fun - Halloween Memories

I saw this hilarious video from last week's candy-gorging celebration. It's a little mean, but maybe that is why I found it so humorous.

Just For Fun - The Random Amen Guy

A few months ago, I wrote about the five people every church has. One of those people is the guy who yells "Amen" at really weird and sometimes inappropriate times. While I thought the phenomenon of Random Amen Guy was centralized to my church experience, it would appear that it is more widespread than I initially thought, as evidenced by the video below.

Just for Fun - Funny Animal Movie Plots

Nothing very spiritual here, but I found this on the Groupon.com blog.

Large Water Mammal Overcomes Obstacles: Dolphins and whales are constantly being threatened by bandana-clad fishermen who want to turn their rubbery, waterproof skin into raincoats. The protagonistic water mammal must enlist the help of an attentive child or teenage rebel to tie the fishermen's boots together using man's greatest strength—his fingers.

Dog Plays Sport: Everyone from golden retrievers to french bull poodles have been appearing in movies to show off their ability to slam dunk, pole vault, and win Olympic gold for shooting and skiing at the same time. These cinematic icons challenge the stereotype that dogs are only good for wearing sunglasses.

Cat Talks Sassy: Cats have opinions on everything—from eating to sleeping to being called "less sexy lions" by felinologists. In this type of movie plot, cats finally scratch back!

Mouse Lands Dream Job: The smaller an animal is, the more likely it is to speak in a movie. Movie mice use their ability to speak to better themselves, often landing jobs as chefs, tailors, or substitute teachers in schools with very low standards for substitute teachers.

Who Would Have Thought Poking Fun at Baptists Would Make Me So Popular?

I recently had the perfect storm of busyness come my way: Seminary, the new school year, preparing for my series on the Gospel of John, Sunday School, and preaching opportunities all happened at once. As a result, my blog has suffered. I know the 10 people who read it on a consistent basis are probably saddened by this fact. I will attempt to keep the updates coming, but we'll see what happens. Systematic Theology is a killer.

That being said, here is a recap of all my posts that were poking fun at the people I have gone to church with. I do it all in love because, regardless of how unpopular it may be, I love being a fundamental Baptist.

The Top Five Reasons for Questioning Someone's Salvation

Things You May Hear Yelled During a Sermon

The Five Kids You Find in Every Youth Group

The Five People Every Church Has

Ten Ways to Know You Are a Baptist

Enjoy the recap!

Just For Fun - The Top Five Reasons for Questioning Someone's Salvation

As you probably know, Christians are an extremely judgmental group. We question the salvation of everyone. Seriously, there are just some behaviors that a true Christian would not engage in.

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• You see a Prius with a Jesus Fish on the back. There is no way this person can be a Christian. I'm pretty sure that the only people who drive a Prius are those who eat granola, attempt to wear frayed pants to Campus Church, and voted for Al Gore in the last 4 elections.
  
• You see a person bringing a vegetable tray to the youth group game night. It is my understanding that if you go back to the original Greek, there is a prohibition on vegetable trays found in the Book of Acts. Of course, this has been left out of the Authorized Translation because the English can be used to correct the Greek.
  
• You realize that the person in front of you took the last piece of fried chicken at the church anniversary dinner. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.
  
• You see someone coming out of the movie theater as you are going in. You know that the movies is a den of iniquity and you are only there to find out just how bad things have gotten.
  
• The person next to you in church wakes you up with his snoring. Everyone knows that the church pew is extremely comfortable. If he was really considerate, he would snore at home so you can get some rest. Good grief, is that too much to ask?
  

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I'm pretty sure you are questioning my salvation for writing this list, just as I am questioning yours for reading it. Aren't you glad we have a God who saves regardless of what we do (Ephesians 2:8-9)?

Just For Fun - Things You May Hear Yelled During a Sermon

It seems that yelling at the pastor during a sermon is acceptable behavior in some churches. Here is a list (not original to me; I culled it from the "You Know You're Baptist When" Facebook group) of the things you may hear yelled at your church on any given Sunday.

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• Amen!
  
• Preach It!
  
• Burn 'em, preacher!
  
• Park there awhile!
  
• Feed the sheep!
  
• Oh me!
  
• Glory to God!
  
• Help us!
  
• Stomp on them toes!
  
• C'mon now!
  
• That's good!
  

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And, if you are really lucky, the video below will show you what might happen. You never know.

The Five Kids You Find in Every Youth Group

Last week, we took a look at the Five People You Find in Every Church. Today, we are going to examine the five kids that every youth group has.

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• The Mascot. Every youth group has a mascot. This is usually a smaller boy who wants to belong with the older, cooler kids. In order to get their attention and gain their friendship, The Mascot will do really weird and crazy things, such as volunteer to swallow goldfish, spit spitballs at the youth pastor while he is driving, or show his rear end to passing motorists from the back of the bus.
  
  
• The Lovebird. The Lovebird is a boy/girl in the youth group who, at one point or another, will have a crush on every member of the opposite sex in the youth group (except the Mascot). The feelings are strong for about a week, then fade just as quickly. This is especially true when a visitor comes to the youth group.
  
  
• The Pastor's Kid. The Pastor's Kid usually like to cause trouble and can get away with it because he is the pastor's child. He/she is usually best friends and archenemies with the Lovebird because he/she always manages to "snag" the prettiest of the group. It is also the Pastor's Kid who gets the Mascot to do all of the things he does.
  
  
• The "Too Cool for This" Kid. There is always one kid in the group who is too cool for what is going on. She stands in the corner, listening to her iPod and making snide remarks. Yet, for some reason, she always shows up to every activity. It probably has something to do with the Pastor's Kid.
  
  
• The Preacher Boy. The Preacher Boy was called to preach before he could talk. He loves to strut around, letting everyone know that he has a step on them in holiness because he is going to be a preacher one day. The youth pastor loves this guy and asks him to pray at every youth group meeting and activity. If the youth group does the service in church one night, it revolves all around the youth group's prize pupil: The Preacher Boy.
  

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Please remember, these are simply sketches of individuals and not meant to identify any one person in particular. Except for me. I was about three of them.

Which one of these best fits you when you were in your youth group?

Just For Fun - Ten Things that Smell Better than they Taste

Have you smelled something that made you want to devour it, only to have you retching in disgust after the first bite? Our list today includes Ten Things that Smell Better Than They Taste. Some of them I can agree with, but to me, movie theater popcorn is probably the closest thing to manna we will have hear on earth.

View the entire list here: Ten Things that Smell Better Than They Taste.

Do you agree or disagree with the items on the list? What would you add?

Five People Every Church Has

Alright, it has never been my desire to start a humor site or parody my church or the churches that are similar. That being said, after the fun that was had with yesterday's post about being a Baptist, I decided to have a little more fun.

Some time ago, there was a list of the 25 Friends You Have on Facebook. It was a pretty humorous list and everyone probably has at least one of those friends. I have decided to make a list of the Five People Every Church Has.

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• The guy who yells "Amen" at inappropriate times during the sermon. This is the guy who wants to show the pastor that he agrees with what is being said, but he may not be paying attention fully. He might yell "Amen" when the pastor is saying that Balaam rode a donkey or that he used a certain type of bait during a recent fishing trip.


• The lady who can't carry a tune, but still gets asked to do special music. The Bible tells us to make a joyful noise and this lady lives by that statement. Unfortunately, what is joyful to some is not always joyful to others. She tries her best, but she was just not blessed with the ability to sing. She is very passionate about what she does, however. Of course, if you go to one of those churches that only lets "The Band" do music, this lady probably doesn't go to your church.


• The slightly obnoxious guy who thinks he should be involved with every aspect of the church because he went to seminary. This guy has some training, so he immediately feels like he should have his finger in every pie, from the youth group to the ladies' fellowship to what kind of diapers should go in the nursery. Trust him, he went to school. He knows what he is doing.


• The lady who refuses to say "No" to anyone and the people who take advantage of her. This poor lady hasn't been in a service since 1972 because she is always filling in for someone in the nursery or Jr. Church. She has a great spirit about it, but there is always someone who knows she won't say no, so she is always on this committee or preparing that meal.


• The guy who disagrees with the pastor on everything, but refuses to find a new church. This guy feels that his spiritual gift is to be a "thorn in the flesh" of the pastor. He disagrees about the length of the sermon, the color of the pastor's tie, and how much the pastor should be paid, all in the name of keeping the pastor humble. Of course, when confronted, he will readily declare his loyalty to the church and the pastor.



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Please note: I did not have any in particular in mind when I was coming up with these sketches. If you read this and can immediately identify someone in your church who fits that mold, shame on you.

Are there any people that I forgot to add?

Just For Fun - Ten Ways to Know You Are a Baptist

Normally, I would post a link to an interesting list of items. However, today I am going to post the list right here. In full disclosure, these items are not original to me; I found them posted on a Facebook group that I frequent. Please keep in mind these are intended to be satirical.

The list appears in no particular order.

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Ten Ways to Know You Are a Baptist

• You sleep better in church than you do at home.
  
• You start packing up as soon as the last blank on the notes sheet is filled in.
  
• You call everyone "Brother" or "Sister" because you can't remember their names.
  
• Your 3-year-old yells "Amen!" at random times.
  
• All your female friends go to college for their MRS degree.
  
• You post pictures of your new Bible on Facebook.
  
• You use the NIV as a doormat.
  
• Fire and brimstone are all you want to hear in your sermons.
  
• Going to the movies is a sin, but you make sure the movie is in your Netflix queue.
  
• Your definition of "fellowship: involves fried chicken at a potluck dinner.
  

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If you have anything to add to the list, please do so below. Enjoy!

Just For Fun: The Top Ten Urban Legends and Myths

I am a huge fan of urban legends. I love to hear them and I love to tell them. In fact, I even went so far as to spread an urban legend around the campus of my college. It blew up so much that one of the vice presidents made a chapel announcement about it. Maybe I'll post about it another time.

Anyway, I present to you the Top Ten Urban Legends and Myths. A couple of them I had never heard or just brushed aside. I was glad to see that the "Kidney Heist" made #1. There were several omissions, but no list is perfect. Truth be told, there were several semesters that I was really hoping to get the 4.0 (see #10). Just kidding...or am I?

What is the best urban legend you have ever heard?

Just For Fun - The Top 10 Things People Do in an Elevator

Last week our Just For Fun list was a pictorial of the 50 most extraordinary churches from around the world. Because most of us will probably never get to visit any or all of them, I have a list that is a bit closer to home. Here is The Top 10 Things People Do in an Elevator.

I will admit that there are at least two on this list that I am quite fond of participating in. Which ones have you done recently?

Just for Fun - The 50 Most Extraordinary Churches

As I was looking for things to post about, I came across a link for the "50 Most Extraordinary Churches of the World." To be honest, some of there are really cool, but others are pretty ugly.

I will say, however, that #19 is probably my favorite. If I could pick a church to pastor at, it would probably be that one.

Which church do you like the best?